A profile to take notice of.

I have a dirty secret.. I have become a little obsessed with some online gaming. Now this is coming form someone who can't even cope with frogger or pacman!

One of these games is Knighthood ( a facebook application - which is totally obsessive and takes over your life - really) and the other is Tribal Wars. TW allows players to be anonomous and take secret identities up. I am unsure if Alf is even his name - but this player has been very kind and helpful to me in the past and I want to share what he has on his profile page. It cracked me up!

Alf Hucker
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more effective in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my God-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook. I am an expert in whiskey, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a glass of Lucozade, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by Fame Academy. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build suspension bridges in my back garden. I enjoy urban hand gliding. On Mondays after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critic’s worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire.

I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer, I toured Cornwall with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. I throw 501 in 9 darts. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children and small woodland creatures trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read David Copperfield, Paradise Lost and Moby Dick in one day and still managed to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday, I successfully negotiated with a group of underworld criminals who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. I discovered the meaning of life but neglected to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a Breville toaster. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff diving in Sri Lanka and spelling tests at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open heart surgery and have spoken to Elvis.